Clambering for the walls I tried to stay with my house. In my beloved world where everything is nice. My furniture was being sucked into a whirlpool. Suddenly everything went shadowy. Looking around me I saw...Umm I think it was a Goblin and very small houses, but then I saw EVIL lurking. the sky turned grey, as grey as a rat. Trees being chopped down. The goblin creatures ran for their houses. I was terrified: heart beating quickly; eyes wide; quaking knees. I needed somewhere to hide. I rushed over to a bush, but that was already taken. Pertrified, terrified
12 Comments
3/20/2014 03:14:18 am
Well some highlights for me include the powerful verbs such as: clambering and lurking. I love the show not tell description of the main character and also the exciting sentences.
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Bethany
3/20/2014 06:52:10 pm
WOW! You have got some great word choice, good use of semi colons.
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Eden from the wyche
3/20/2014 10:09:49 pm
It is very exciting I like it but is shadowy a word
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Natalie from the wyche
3/20/2014 10:10:21 pm
The story sounds really intresting.
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Amelia from the Wyche school
3/20/2014 10:12:44 pm
I really liked your story and the simile. Your Alan Peat sentences great to.
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felix
3/20/2014 10:13:03 pm
very good
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Adam from the wyche
3/20/2014 10:15:37 pm
wow you have a good tallent for writing
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Mrs FT
3/24/2014 05:18:37 am
Fantastic work. Something about the conversational style in the hesitation with 'ummm', in contrast to the 'punchy' suspense really made it for me....it's as if I could hear you saying it ;)
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Sam from the Wyche
6/26/2014 10:39:57 pm
I like the way you use speech which is like you are actually talking!!!
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Theo from the Wyche
6/26/2014 10:40:51 pm
It's very gripping and there's so much suspense!!!
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Philip Wyche C of E primary school
6/26/2014 10:44:59 pm
Good story very dramatic.
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Author21 amazing children from Suckley Primary School, Worcestershire. Sharing their learning journey with you!
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April 2015
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